Maktub

I'm so sick of being tossed aside.

I somehow ruptured my goddamn eardrum on Wednesday, and I've been completely deaf in my left ear since.

I've been trying to self-medicate and hope it heals itself, and who fucking knows how long that's gonna take.

I hate how despite everything that has happened between us, I still miss you.

Yeah, I like everything about this.

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me

I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

When it rains it pours. :(

Today consisted of a few hours of guitar upon waking up, followed by writing with James and drinking really delicious tea in the afternoon. Now that the night's settling in and he's gone home, I've made myself sandwiches for dinner, and am about to watch a movie. All in all, I'm happy. Nights like tonight make me wonder why I hate being single so much. But even now, happy as I am, I still have that feeling that something is missing.

None of this is what I wanted.

Gonna try to change things.

'Apologies' if you get caught up in the ensuing hurricane.

But I deserve better.

Semester Grades were A-, B+, B-. Not bad. Better than I expected, given what I had to work with.

3 Summer Classes and I'm done at Middlesex. GPA stands at about a 3.4 right now.

Not bad at all.

"Dear Michael:

Congratulations! Upon review of your Middlesex Community College transcript, we have found that with successful completion of your current semester’s coursework, you will have satisfied all of your requirements and will be awarded the following: Associate In Arts - Liberal Arts and Sciences.

Please use the enclosed class schedule to confirm the courses you are currently enrolled in this semester. You must maintain a cumulative grade point average of 2.00 or higher in order to graduate.

Sincerely,
Kevin Gately
Registrar"

Now this is more like it. :)

- Last day of classes, which is pretty excellent.
- I'm still unsure of how many courses I have to take this summer (1-3)
- But either way I'm still graduating within a few weeks / month.
- I should be able to get my EEC Certification and work with childrens, which would be awesome.
- I may go into Boston this weekend, mostly just to kind of wander around. I'm in that sort of mood.
- Might be moving into Boston / Cambridge this summer. We'll see.
- Torn between a few colleges for next year. Depends on how much financial aid I get.
- Still, I'm glad I've narrowed it down.
- I've never felt so goddamn alone as I do these days.
- I need to reconnect with an old friend, or meet someone new.
- Cause meeting some new worked so goddamn well last time.
- I'm sick of everyone and no one all at once, and that makes fuckall for sense.
- And I was sure you'd follow through.

Stolen from Devonne.

"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good, and what is not... won't. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you must move on, and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. But always fight until you can't anymore... and then be fought for."

If you're not welcome in your own home
...where the hell do you go?

God, I'm such a fucking disappointment.

some things you do for money
and some you do for fun
but the things you for love
are gonna come back to you one by one

I made plans to go out to lunch with Amanda on Friday. I don't think I've seen her since, I dunno, October? It'll be good to catch up. I'm still anxious about the entire thing and I'm not sure why. I'm still avoiding texts and breaking plans with other people.

Someone told me they love me last night, in what I assume is a purely non-romantic sense, but I still don't believe her. And the funny thing is, it's not because it's her. She's said it before and I haven't really questioned it.
I just... can't get past this anger that I've had bottled up for weeks.

Maybe my entire problem is coming down to trusting people. And maybe people shouldn't lie and use other people like they do.

"It's hard to see the better side to you
When there never was one to start.
I wish I knew what you could really do
And you never would have had my heart."

I spent like two hours sitting outside reading yesterday. I've missed that.

I met with my Adviser yesterday and found that I have to take 2-3 more classes before I can graduate. That's the bad news. The good news is that I can take them all this summer. So, realistically, I'm graduating in Mid July instead of Mid May.

I'm actually really happy about it. I mean, part of me is thinking "oh ffs just let me graduate already". It's my own fault for taking courses that were convenient or interesting over the years and not necessarily taking courses that applied to my major, but really, it's education, and I've loved most of the courses I've taken.

The truth is, there are many many worse things I could be doing with those two months than taking more college classes.

I am so motherfucking despondent that I keep blowing off my friends, even on special occasions.

I don't feel like this all the time, but enough, and always at the worst times. And it's not like I'm choosing something better. Yeah, I spent tonight playing games with my brother, which I do enjoy, but I didn't know that was gonna happen. I was seriously going to actually choose doing nothing over going into Cambridge with friends.

And like, Thursday I spent literally 6 hours straight getting done a bunch of homework and projects just so I could go out this weekend, and when the opportunity actually comes around I don't even want to. I know they understand, but I don't need understanding.

Fight for me. Show me that I matter to you. Someone. Anyone.

My princess is in another castle.

I can't believe how much people lie to themselves and pretend they're happy when they aren't.

Johnny Cash used to wear all black saying it was the most honest color, it was something everyone could relate to.

And you- you're afraid to even look in the mirror.